out of tune with life

Lately, the weather in WV has been gorgeous; very gorgeous for this time of year. The leaves have fallen but it's still nice out. People outside having a good time, enjoying the crisp autumn air. People are in love with the season. That is good and all, but lately I haven't had the joy that others have around me. I don't know what's going on but lately I have been in a somber mood. It may seem like nothing is wrong on the surface but I have had years of practice of hiding my real feelings within me. Just goes to show you how men don't want to show any emotion. I desire to be joyful again and experience the love of God and fellowship but it hasn't been happening. I have had some struggles in my life lately but I feel that is still no excuse to not be joyful. You could say I have felt out of tune with life. I have noticed that on several days all I wanted to do was just stay in bed and do nothing, even waste away. In fact, some days I have even contempated suicide. I have grown to dislike the campus of WVU lately because of all of this. I have just wanted to get out and now that I know I will be here for a full fifth year, that was the icing on the cake. Even when people encourage me, it does no good sometimes. I even doubt several of my friendships right now. This might be a season in my life or it could be a massive attack on me from Satan. I don't know. All I know is that I really miss the joy in God and fellowship with His followers. I desire to have more God in my life. I have tried so hard but I just feel a distance between us. When I feel far from God, I feel far from life itself because God is the One who gave me life. He is all I have. I don't want to give up. I want to keep on fighting for God's ultimate purpose. I just pray that, even with these circumstances, that God would look more beautiful than anything any mortal eyes have ever seen. I want a heart for the lost and others in general once again. I cry out to God right now as a broken human being. "Break off these chains and set me free".

-Dutton